: There's No Plaice For Us
are always constraints when planning a BOOTboys
walk but this one had more than usual.
wanted something gentle as he was recovering from a
surfeit of Glasgow Or maybe I got that the wrong
way round and Glasgow had had a surfeit of Tony. Or
may be it was just mislocated. (see Tony's
Hn was celebrating his birthday and offering to buy
drinks all round. He was hoping his birthday present
would be another visit to the Langdales.
had restrictions on start timing thanks to visits from
our big-stuff gardener and the electricity cabling people
the most interesting constraint (apart from
the free drinks) was that John Hy wanted
to bring his dog, Bracken, for a "Flat
Fish" walk which is a concept totally
new to us.
described the flat fish as an amazing creature
that can climb great heights and flip along
at a considerable rate of knots!
there was me thinking he had made a typo
and had wanted a flattish walk as he had
not done much lately.
Abraham Lincoln mode, realising you can't please all
the people all the time, I had to make an executive
plumped for an old standby that, on checking the records,
none of the participants had previously visited on a
BB outing: Farleton Knott and Hutton Roof. The
advantage of this being a start and celebratory finish at the Plough
at Lupton (the Smithy Inn at Holme losing valuable custom
due to it not opening until 5 p.m.).
surprisingly after the voluminous amount of recent rain,
the ground was extraordinarily damp but we were heading
for limestone country so problems of that nature ought
to be minimised.
First, however, we had to cross
Lupton Beck where the ford was totally awash.
these days, there is a sturdy footbridge tucked around
the corner that presented no problems.
passing a man collecting hazel nuts, we zig zagged up
Bracken (the dog) thought it would
be Christmas if she could only be let off the lead to
chase the myriad of pheasants.
On reaching the top cairn,
we had the obligatory Comitibus photo then explored
the area to obtain best advantage of the panoramic view
ranging from Morecambe Bay to the full spread of the
opted not to visit the other part of the top, above
the limestone cliff. Instead we took the direct route
to the minor road, on the other side of which lay Hutton
Hmm. Why does that remind me of P J Proby?
first, it was the man-made cliffs of Burton Quarry that
we could see.
a navigational triumph led us straight to
what we first thought to be the Hutton
Roof summit cairn. However, we had
It was eight minutes too
early for Tonoony to have lunch. He consoled himself
with a cup of tea until the appointed hour.
was curious to know what would be in John Hy's lunch
box. Halibutties, perhaps?
could be seen yet again by keen eyed BOOTboys,
even clearer than on BB1229,
was Blackpool Tower.
eight minutes too early?
view as far as Blackpool Tower
we decided that a plateau a quarter of a mile away
held the real top. We bounded across the rutted
limestone to achieve the goal, then tried to find a sensible
way down to the east. And the northeast. I
knew the path lay just below us but the limestone pavement
was a mass of clints
and deep grikes-
John Hn being temporarily stuck in one.
Hn stuck in a grike
(the dog, remember?) also found the terrain challenging,
not helped by the dense foliage. As a result of these
difficulties, I could not find a sensible way down through
the limestone cliff.
colleagues had long lost faith in any navigational ability
that they might deludedly have thought I had and were
toying with phoning a friend (i.e. Bryan or Stan) or
even Air Ambulance. However, I knew I was doing
the sensible thing in taking them back to the luncheon
stop and retracing our way down the easy path through
down, it was relatively straight forward to follow the
trail, passing just feet below where we had been obstructed,
round to the climbing crags before dropping down
into Hutton Roof village.
was locked, preventing us from exploring its innards.
However, there were two interesting tombstones,
is a memorial to the Rev Theodore Bayley Hardy, VC, DSO, MC,
the most decorated non-combatant in the First World War.
other was a flat topped tomb near the church door, We
noted how well the etching of the names had been carried
out then discovered that it ought to be. The deceased
was a stone mason.
were several potential return routes that we debated
then decided on the most direct and, in theory, simplest
This involved us passing along a bridle
path that on previous visits had been perfectly alright.
This time, however, austerity measures meant that
the nettles and brambles and other vegetation had received
no attention and passage along became increasingly more
We were desperately in need of a machete.
we emerged, scratched and blood stained, but from there
onwards it was a simple stroll along the appropriately
named Puddlemire Lane, making friends first with a horse
and then a Border Terrier, to return across the still very
full Lupton Beck.
The Plough Inn was
soon reached with nary a flatfish having
Naturally, the disappointment didn't stop us celebrating John Hn's birthday
with the beer and chips he generously ordered.
wondered about the possibility adding something to satisfy t'other John's request.. Not
one to flounder, he checked to see if his
wish might come true. We could see he was a dab hand
at reading the menu.
there be Pleuronectiforme Fritters? Sole sausages?
A cheese and skate board?
no; no flat fish of any description to be seen. Perhaps we hadn't
climbed sufficiently great heights or flipped along
at a fast enough rate to see the amazing creatures.
Or perhaps the Plough simply
doesn't employ a fluke cook.
left birthday-boy-John behind to continue celebrations whilst
t'other John, despite all the ribbing,
kindly took us home in his turbot-charged car
then realised why I had been reminded of P J Proby's biggest hit,
got the words slightly wrong.
first line should have been: There's
26th September 2012
What a pity we didn't start from the Smithy Inn at Holme.
I could then have used the theme "There's No
Plaice Like Holme"!!!
what exactly was Tony recovering?
here is his lunch arriving:
now his liquid refreshment:
wonder he needed time to recover. I hadn't realised
before that Glasgow is a district of Munich but thanks
to our German correspondent, Emma, for sussing this
You! Get Off My Line!
reports have discussed how to get rid of
unwelcome telephone calls with a bit of
Along the Whip Crack.
is another variant worth trying.
you remember The Flying Pickets?
were a radical lefty group of the 1980s
who (and this must have really hurt them)
were allegedly a favourite of Margaret Thatcher.
be fair, unlike the Sex Pistols and their
ilk, they could actually sing and their
"Best of" album makes good listening.
do a rather different, cappella, version
of the Rolling Stones' "Get Off My
Cloud" and if you start at the second
verse, the spoken words work rather well
for this purpose. Click on the picture
to hear this in action.
Hello. Who's there on the line?
Hi, hello, how are you?
I think I'm doin' fine.
It's three a.m., there's too much noise.
Don't you people ever wanna go to bed?
Just 'cause you feel so good,
You tryin' to drive me out of my head?
Hey! You! Off of my cloud!
Don't hang around,
What? Two's a crowd!
climbed in feet:
Knott, Hutton Roof Crags
John Hn, John Hy, Tony
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