BB1734 : Introducing the BOOTboys WINDbeer Scale

Thursday 12th September 2017

Today’s lesson is about the effect of wind on the human body.  Stop sniggering at the back there, Fortesque-Smythe minor, not that sort of wind.

Thanks to Bryan’s inspiration, I am now able to enlighten you about what is, for landlubbers, a far more intelligible and memorable system than the Beaufort scale. It brings together two seemingly unrelated matters and links them by the similarity of their effect on the human body.  This gives an immediately comprehensible and memorable method for determining the effect of wind on a person or, vice versa, for assessing the velocity of wind from its ramifications on the individual.

The key to its comprehension is beer consumption.  Each pint can be considered as bi-directionally equivalent to a 10 miles per hour increase in wind velocity.

Known simply as the BOOTboys WINDbeer Scale , this is set to revolutionise 21st century fellwalking:

Of course, the scale is a general guide, a bit like the Naismith rule for time and distance.  You will need to experiment to determine precisely your own Windbeer statistics

Thank goodness we didn't go out yesterday, when the Windbeer factor was over 6.

Today the Windbeer factor was predicted to be 3 to 4 (although rising to 5 in the evening).  Would it be fun, tripping or falling?

Perhaps the bigger consideration, though, was how wet it would be underfoot; something for which we have not yet got a scale.  Over the last two days the rain has at times been torrential.  The ground is sodden and the field behind us has once again reverted to being a tarn.  Many of the becks on the fells were likely to be impassable.  We decided to stay local and undertake a tour of the scars- Cunswick and Scout.  Being limestone we expected them to be less of a quagmire.

We were right but didn't discover that at the outset.  This was because we started at one side of Kendal and walked through the streets and ginnels to the track alongside Serpentine Woods.  Although a relatively short distance, thanks to Tony and Stan reminiscing about old friends and visiting some of them in their final resting places, it took rather a long time.  We didn't notice any wind.

Tony insisted on being photographed outside the erstwhile Hyena Inn.

What we did notice when crossing over the by-pass was a long line of slowly moving vehicles followed by a large gap and yet more vehicles behind.  Why did they not fill the gap?  Because two lorry drivers, their wagons crawling along, side by side at walking pace, were deep in conversation!

As we climbed over to the Cunswick Scar summit, the breeze progressed through the Windbeer scale, easily reaching a three-pinter.

The four-pinter came at the Mushroom.  And it was cold.  Shortly after leaving the shelter the "I didn't mean to do that" factor kicked in but in an unexpected way.

All of sudden Stan stopped.  Then hared off back to the Mushroom, which didn't take him long with the wind on his back.  There he lurked so agitatedly that Tony & I thought we too had better return to ascertain what the problem was. Quite simply, he had lost his wallet.  He hunted high and low around the shelter, in his pockets and in his rucksack.  By the time we arrived he was phoning home- I'm not quite sure if he was intent on finding out if he had left it behind (although he was sure he hadn't) or giving instruction to stop all his cards and accounts.  Yes, you know what had happened.  Yes, it was lurking in a corner of his sac. Though, or course, it hadn't been there five minutes earlier.  We've all known that experience. It reminded me of my distress leading to the Miracle at the Brigflatts Quaker Meeting House.

After all that excitement, we walked south along the scar, marvelling how dry it was underfoot compared to everywhere else that we could see.  That's the good thing about limestone.  The valley was largely under water.

We returned to Kendal over Helsington Barrow and the old racecourse, trying to spot our houses.

The Windbeer rating was reducing rapidly.  Our objective was The Tap but it didn't open until 4 p.m..  Consequently we had another old Kendalians' dawdle through the auld grey town, reaching the destination bang on time.

What was the Windbeer factor thereafter?  I can't say as I had to leave early. However by that time they clearly had smiles on their faces and looked as if they were heading for the fun stage.  I haven't heard of any falling down type injuries so maybe they stopped at three.  Or four.

Don, Thursday 12th October 2017

Comitibus : natS, noD, ynoT

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